goodbye, and see you on the other side

Sometimes I love Facebook and hate it at the same time. I love because it tells you loads of things about loads of people without you needing to ask anything, and I hate it pretty much for the same reason.
I hate it because it has a very blunt, brutal way to tell you things.
I just got to know, obviously through fb, that my first French teacher has passed away. I know it won't mean anything at all to those who read this, provided someone ever lands here, but it means a lot to me.
It has really darkened my day because this person has been absolutely crucial for my academic choices since secondary school. He was just the best teacher you could wish for. He loved his job and the subject he used to teach, and he possessed the extraordinary ability to make people fall for that subject too, other than being an absolutely awesome person who always managed to bring a smile on our faces. Apart from today.

Fighting windmills.

I know that feelings come and go without a trace... but I am afraid my disappointment might last longer than I want it to, this time. I really hate feeling disappointed, I think it's a waste of energy, it often means wasting thoughts, anger, tears, emotion on things that don't mean anything or shouldn't mean anything.
I can't help feeling disappointed AND disgusted today, in a way I had experienced very seldom so far.
I am disgusted at myself and my stupidity. I am sad I wasted years of my precious time to just get humiliated and treaded on like an ant. I am not an ant, fuck, despite what some soi-disant intelligent, enlightened fucker thinks.
I tend not to regret things I do out of love, passion, friendship, faith. I know it's wrong and useless but this time it's the only feeling I get.
I picture myself all curled up somewhere with sand flowing from my hands and that's basically what I've got out of all this. A bunch of dust and the awareness that I'm just an idiot and I tend to trust people who don't deserve an inch of my attention, my care, my love, my concern.
I give to much and get doors slammed in my face in return.
Well thanks.
I'll be sitting near the river and waiting for your useless bodies to float past me.
But still, I hate myself the most for being so naive.

bah.

I really do feel people underestimate me way too much.
And I hate it, somehow.

friends.

I have drawn a couple of conclusions lately, and they make me physically sick, other than melancholic to the highest possible degree.

I miss the daily dimension of friendship like mad. So far, I thought it was something I could easily do without, but I am not so sure anymore. By this I don't mean that I don't have friends, or that they don't show me their love... this wouldn't be true. I've got a bunch of true, loyal, trustworthy and caring friends who love me and whom I love more than myself.
Yet, they're far away, and we can't always be there for each other. I feel powerless sometimes, when I know someone needs me but I can't get there because of the distance...
However, I really miss, just as I told Dawn the other day "texting each other at the very last second and going out for a pint because there's news that can't wait to be talked about". I miss those "someones" I used to have back in my teenage years, those who grew up with me really and shared the good times and the bad ones, the smiles and the tears.
I know I am partly responsible for the vacuum I find myself drowning in atm; I acted way too impulsively and deep within I probably knew I would be regretting it sooner or later, but it seemed the only right thing to do back then. I was too young and too stupid, probably. I am still young, but apparently life made me a bit more experienced and less stupid than I was at 18.
However, I think something went broken, fell into pieces and can't be fixed anymore.
So sad, so true.
I miss reminiscing with them about how silly we were, I miss beers, I miss being hugged when I was down, I miss laughing and singing in the car, I miss dancing on tables, I miss photos, I miss rollerblading till I couldn't feel my ankles and feet anymore, I miss texting all day long, I miss Paris. I miss so many things and knowing that I'll never get them back hurts so much I can't describe it.
I think I deserve it all, anyway.

help!

I'm feeling upside down.
Nah. Too sweet. I'm feeling... c-r-a-p.
Yeh. That's a lot more like it.

But as they say, once you touch the bottom you can't but go up again, innit?

ciao mangushino :'(

We will miss you like mad and love you forever.

ciao Barone...

Being an AC Milan supporter ever since I was born, just like the rest of my family, I can't but give my last goodbye to one of our greatest players and former trainer who passed away today. I have only had the chance to see the team he trained on video footage, since I was either too young or not even born at that time. But I remember seeing him on telly so many times and what always struck me about him was his fairness, his manners, something so rare in the fanatic world of Italian football. So thank you, Barone, may God bless you and allow you to enjoy His glow in heaven. You will always be in our hearts.

Ciao ciao Barone, per sempre nei nostri cuori rossoneri.

I'm going blank.

(soundtrack: The Cinematic Orchestra - To build a home)

I'm out of inspiration.
I'm bored, disillusioned. I hate the fact I'm wasting my precious time to write dozens of pages of complete and utter randomness and more than that I hate the fact that a) I'll have to hold a presentation of all that in front of a bunch of people who couldn't care less about it and b) nobody (except for someone, and that someone has all of my understanding and gratitude) will ever read even half a line of it. (And that's why I need to produce a trilingual version of the abstract).
My head feels so heavy, all I can think of is throwing some random clothes into a bag and leaving for a couple of days. And I can't.
It makes me want to cry and smash my head against a very hard wall to see if this gives me some sort of relief.