the end is the beginning is the end,

I graduated, yes I did. Hooray!!!

I'm a winner, I'm a sinner, do you want my autograph?

Yes, this is the face of a fully-fledged interpreter!
It's taken me a while to realise, but I've made it, I've finished university and passed my finals with flying colours, which I really didn't expect.
I had my finals on Monday morning, it was unbelievably tough.
It took me 3 hours to go through the 9 bits I had to complete, and between one bit and the next there was a bunch of minutes of painful, excruciating wait.
But I was tougher than them, I guess. I just switched to war-machine-mode and did what needed to be done.
And I got my masters, and I am so dreadfully relieved.
And life only starts now, and of course, the best is yet to come.

goodbye, and see you on the other side

Sometimes I love Facebook and hate it at the same time. I love because it tells you loads of things about loads of people without you needing to ask anything, and I hate it pretty much for the same reason.
I hate it because it has a very blunt, brutal way to tell you things.
I just got to know, obviously through fb, that my first French teacher has passed away. I know it won't mean anything at all to those who read this, provided someone ever lands here, but it means a lot to me.
It has really darkened my day because this person has been absolutely crucial for my academic choices since secondary school. He was just the best teacher you could wish for. He loved his job and the subject he used to teach, and he possessed the extraordinary ability to make people fall for that subject too, other than being an absolutely awesome person who always managed to bring a smile on our faces. Apart from today.

Fighting windmills.

I know that feelings come and go without a trace... but I am afraid my disappointment might last longer than I want it to, this time. I really hate feeling disappointed, I think it's a waste of energy, it often means wasting thoughts, anger, tears, emotion on things that don't mean anything or shouldn't mean anything.
I can't help feeling disappointed AND disgusted today, in a way I had experienced very seldom so far.
I am disgusted at myself and my stupidity. I am sad I wasted years of my precious time to just get humiliated and treaded on like an ant. I am not an ant, fuck, despite what some soi-disant intelligent, enlightened fucker thinks.
I tend not to regret things I do out of love, passion, friendship, faith. I know it's wrong and useless but this time it's the only feeling I get.
I picture myself all curled up somewhere with sand flowing from my hands and that's basically what I've got out of all this. A bunch of dust and the awareness that I'm just an idiot and I tend to trust people who don't deserve an inch of my attention, my care, my love, my concern.
I give to much and get doors slammed in my face in return.
Well thanks.
I'll be sitting near the river and waiting for your useless bodies to float past me.
But still, I hate myself the most for being so naive.

bye bye 2008

And eventually we've made it through to 2009. 2009 is an odd number, and odd numbers are my lucky ones. I was born on an odd day of an odd month of an odd year and as a result I'm probably sort of odd too. And I'm proud to be.
I won't write down my new year's resolutions, basically because I've got none. I've grown out of the habit of making new year's resolutions because I am not good enough and I can't keep my promises.
What I will do is mention the highlights of this past year, because it's been a year of change and it's brought me a lot more than I could expect and imagine.

The highlights of my 2008, in no special order:

1) Singing along with Deep Purple to "Hush" (my favourite song by them) as the crowd was literally tearing down the cathedral square in Pistoia. Sitting on a step, a pint of lager in my hands. Just perfect. I would say it's been the highlight of Pistoia Blues 2008 to me, closely followed by touching Lenny Kravitz though.

2) The Pumpkins' gig back in February... so surreal.

3) Germany, each and every second I spent there, the people I met there, the pics I've taken, the laughter, the tears, my rented bike, the students' dorm. And the list could go on.

4) Travelling on my own, seeing Gea and Dawn again, seeing new places and having lots of fun

5) Deciding to move in with the BF this year and starting the flat renovations.

6) Being awarded the uni prize for the best student of last year. So unexpected and right in time to boost my self-esteem that was definitely going down the drain

7) my first real job at a conference :)

bah.

I really do feel people underestimate me way too much.
And I hate it, somehow.

Don't panic.

Repeating it like a mantra is not enough.
I've got my first real job on Saturday and I'm scared to death.
I had a dream the other night, my pen ran out of ink. I might think about writing with my own blood if it really happens during the job.
Will I do it right?
Will I be able to make my voice sound soft and confident?
Will the message pass?
Will I manage to avoid blushing in front of the audience?

Man, I'm stressed.